


Please don't let me lose you

by Pingviini



Series: Through the good and the fucking awful [4]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, I cried a little(alot), Love in it's other forms, M/M, Mixed feelings, Self Loathing, Short One Shot, confronting the hard truth, even is bae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 15:10:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11649159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pingviini/pseuds/Pingviini
Summary: In a way falling out of love can be even more painful than a broken heart as it gracefully lets you overlook years and years of happy memories. Or then it might paint them black because the very things that made you fall in love are now making you fall out of it.Possibly even more painful is to let someone love you with all their heart, without being able to give back even half of it, just because you are too afraid to move on. Too scared to admit that you just maybe don’t love them the way you used to.





	Please don't let me lose you

**Author's Note:**

> Safe to say today has been an awfully gloomy day. I've been dealing with some stuff and wow how writing this made me feel slightly better. As if getting something off my chest. I wrote this in a very sad state of mind but there is no suicidal thoughts or anything in this piece. Haha. I love and hate this. So bittersweet. This differs from the other one shots on my series. This doesn't end as lightly as the rest of them but just goes to show how inseperable they really are in a way. And this is written in 1st person which is nice for a change(for me at least)  
> This was inspired by a song ironically about falling for someone: Get with me(acoustic) by Ylva  
> Once again I remind you that I'm not a native speaker. Sorry for the mistakes  
> This is my heart poured out so feedback is very much appreciated.  
> What do you think?  
> Thank you for reading <3

Falling in love is easy. It’s effortless and happens without your consent and doesn’t care about our society’s boundaries. It seeks to rise above all and connect everyone willing to embrace it. Getting your heart broken is tragic and every time it happens you consistently decide not to let it happen again.  
However, loving someone is a hard decision and a promise hard to keep but it’s nothing you can force. You can’t convince yourself to love someone just because you feel they are right for you – and even if one would succeed in such a thing, it would never be real.

In a way falling out of love can be even more painful than a broken heart as it gracefully lets you overlook years and years of happy memories. Or then it might paint them black because the very things that made you fall in love are now making you fall out of it.  
Possibly even more painful is to let someone love you with all their heart, without being able to give back even half of it, just because you are too afraid to move on. Too scared to admit that you just maybe don’t love them the way you used to.

Even smiles at me and instead of happiness it makes me feel guilt. He kisses me and I don’t want to answer but I do and wonder whether he can sense it. I have been so on edge lately and poor Even can’t, for the life of him, figure out why. It tears me to pieces to see him try to fix himself to make me happy and I just can’t bring myself to say it’s not enough.  
Every time I try to admit to myself that I just don’t love him the same, I convince myself that I’m not trying hard enough. The way he looks at me, how he talks to me and how he touches me suggests he falls in love with me every day. How could he still feel that way about me when I’ve built up these walls to prevent him from seeing how I constantly doubt us. How I don’t want to speak with him about anything that matters or forget to kiss him. Never engage in these small gestures of love I used to rain on him.

I don’t want to argue with him anymore because I’m so dead afraid that he’ll ask me whether I still loved him. I’m so afraid because I don’t know if I can lie. I still care for him and he is so dear to me but in that moment, we would both know that wasn’t what he meant by me loving him. Once it would be said there was nothing to be done to take it back. I couldn’t just rewind if I felt it wasn’t the whole truth after all. I couldn’t just make it to be a joke when watching his heart breaking would make me feel so awful.

I’m constantly feeling guilty for not loving him and these walls are the things that keep pulling us apart. It is the very thing that makes him ask me if I’m feeling all right. When he does it, the question is quiet and he so delicate just a touch would break him. I think he has realized something is wrong and he is working so hard to brush off the feeling constantly creeping into his mind. I know this because it’s the exact same thing I do. I don’t want to fall out of love but I can’t help it.

Everyone say how good we are together and he shines every time he hears this because it’s a reassurement for him: We are perfect for each other and there is nothing that could tear us apart.

Sometimes when he keeps talking I feel like screaming but can’t bring myself to tell him off. I can’t tell him I want to be alone so I just leave and return when I feel I can force a smile again. But when he is quiet I make a circus just to get one word out of him. It makes him laugh and I feel relieved but it’s so wrong how I don’t feel relieved because he is happy but because he is not sad because of me.

I’m an awful person and I hate how saying it doesn’t make me any better. It’s not the first step to improvement but only a constant reminder of how much I’ve come to hate myself for hurting him and not doing what’s the best for us both.  
It’s funny how I tend to complain how hard it is to talk to him when deep down I know it’s me who is hard to talk to.  
Every time we do I can see it in his face how he tries to read me but either can’t or doesn’t see what he wants to see.

I can’t help but cry in his arms as his hands stroke my back ever so gently. It makes me so peaceful and he knows better than to ask me why. I’m starting to think he is too afraid to ask. He hates to see me unhappy but is obviously powerless to help and I know it makes him think if I also feel equally powerless to help him when he’s down.

I know it is an awfully pessimistic way to look at us but somehow, I feel as if this all would go to waste if we were to split up. In reality, I know I would be left with memories I could cherish for the rest of my life but it would take a while to be able to do so.  
Prolonging the inevitable makes a minute seem like an hour and the never-ending battle inside my head is wearing me down.  
I’m so selfish because I’m keeping him in an unhappy relationship solely because I’m too scared of losing him. I want him all to myself as badly as I want to let him go.

“I won’t break,” he says looking at me so seriously all of a sudden.

I don’t believe him. I want to but I don’t. My throat gets tight and breathing has never been harder. My heart is racing and my brain is yelling at me to flee. Just go and avoid this unpleasant situation but I ground myself in this moment where we lie on our bed not touching one another.

“I know something is up and I’m feeling brave,” he says still just looking and I can almost see him putting his guards up in hopeless effort not to get hurt if he doesn’t like my answer. All the anticipation just builds up in tears and I know they do the speaking for me even though I didn’t want them to. His tongue runs through his lips before he presses them together averting his gaze. I look at him through my tears as he tries to find something to look at, anything but me, but ends up closing his eyes covering his face with his hands.

“I’m sorry,” is all I can say. I don’t dare to touch him. I just watch my nightmares come true and this time I wouldn’t wake up. He falls apart and it feels every bit as bittersweet as I had imagined.

“Don’t be,” he says lowering his hands from his face and I’m surprised to see that he hasn’t spilled a tear, “I want you to be happy.”

And I’m so angry he doesn’t blame me. I’m furious that I must be the villain of our story. I absolutely hate how much he loves me because it just makes me wonder if anyone will ever look at me like this again.

“I love you but I can see you’re not happy anymore and honestly I don’t know how to fix it. No matter what I do or say you just keep throwing it back at my face,” Even says and my stomach twists uncomfortably. I can’t swallow the lump in my throat. I hate this. I hate myself and just how I anticipated: Here comes the moment when I wish I could take it all back – reverse time or wipe his memory.

“I don’t want to lose you,” I say and it _is_ _all it takes_ to break him. He cries and it twists the knife in the wound. I made him cry. I made this this person cry and suddenly I forget everything I don’t love about him. And this second _is all it takes_ for me to begin cherishing our past, which takes me by surprise.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily,” he says with a small smile but he doesn’t call me baby anymore. I laugh even though I don’t find it funny in the slightest.  
“This doesn’t take away from what we had. I still hold your past just not your future,” Even says so bravely but I hear his voice cracking. He is trying so hard to not make me sad even now when I’m breaking his heart.  
I’m too afraid to confirm that we are over but it hangs in the silence surrounding us. I can see my reflection in his blue eyes and I know we are broken beyond repair.

“How can you be so corny even now?” I ask offering a smile but he doesn’t take it. He sniffs and places his burning hot hand on my cheek stroking it lightly.

“You used to love that about me.”


End file.
